Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Better World

I haven't been doing this very long, and so far I've mostly been pretty negative. I want to change that. I can be a grumpy person, but I don't think I'm an inherently negative one. So I tried pondering some positive things, and one of the ideas that lurks in my head is about the world I want to live in. This is not a political manifesto, or any kind of idea that could lead to...well...reality. Its just my imagination run amok.
Most of my thoughts about the ideal world come from me mis-overhearing (did I just coin a word? If so, its a bad one, don't use it) things, although a few of them come from cranky and elitist moods, and a couple others acutally come from ideology. Oh, and there are somethat come from nowhere, but crack me up. Giant robots anyone? But I want the kind that hide from you in the shadow of an apartment building and remain completely unseen by the tenants inside- and they have to be easily defeated by weakling asthmatics like myself. As mind-crushingly awesome as they are, there is no place for Skynet or Cylons in my ideal world, because they would end me.
Once, at work, I was reading a manual of some kind- rules and regulations, that sort of thing. It included updates. One of them appeared, to me, to say "present practices with respect to time travel shall be continued." That was not, in fact, what it said. But it gave me the dream of a world where time travel is so common that it has POLICY. What kind of policy are we talking? The sky (or the space-time continuum) is the limit! Does your workplace reimburse you for business time travel? Hells yeah! Time travel is no excuse for being late- and I don't care what time it was when you LEFT for work! The possibilities are endless. I should write a novel or something.
They also refer to the email system in my place of business as the Portal. Is that not amazing? So I get an email telling me that I will be notified when the Portal opens again. Portal to where? Like Narnia? (hopefully not a world full of Christian allegory, that would be The Most Disappointing and Morally High Handed Portal Ever) Or like Stargate? Should I put down my stapler to prepare for and epic battle with a disgruntled Egyptian god? Or Khan?
In this world, everything that happens to me has another, better, more interesting meaning (not to imply that the grinding struggle to find meaning in everyday existence isn't worthy of pursuit and intellectual toil...it just doesn't make my day go much faster). There's always a door to somewhere, something to learn, or just see. We all wish our lives had a more obvious meaning. It would be thrilling to live Harry Potter for a little while rather than Kafka.
In conclusion, if I ever get a vote, I want giant robots, time travel, magic portals, talking gargoyles, Sherlock Holmes, and telepathy. Clones are optional, depending on if its emo clones or fun ones.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

How you can avoid giving me a flesh eating disease

Why shouldn't you you just take some old anitbiotics that you have laying around the house when you don't feel great? Oh, let me count the ways...
First of all, you shouldn't have it laying around the house. You're supposed to take all of it when the doctor prescribes it to you...even if you feel better. You know why? Cause if you don't, you help to strengethen and spread drug resistant bacteria. Which makes it that much more likely that I will get some sort of drug resistant, flesh eating infection.
How do you know that what you just took is appropriate for whatever you may (or may not have)? You don't. That's what you pay a doctor for. Also, if you use a drug for no reason you're giving the bateria another chance to develop resistance. Sensing a pattern? Me having flesh eating disease?
What if they're old or expired? That's just nasty.
If used incorrectly or incompletely (as you've already done once), you contribute once again to drug resistant strains of bacteria, giving me flesh eating disease. Or Joss Whedon. And if you give Joss flesh eating disease, I will eff your day up.
Oh, no matter how much you want it to, antibiotics WILL NOT KILL A VIRUS.
Please, stop being an idiot and thinking that you know enough to self medicate, thereby giving me the inevitable FLESH EATING DISEASE. Seriously, though, if you are doing this, you are most definitely part of the problem, and its making me crazy. Way to cause the plague, genius.

Monday, May 4, 2009


It. Is. Not. A. Proper. Word. Are you to lazy to say "regardless"? It's shorter! Do you think it makes you sound more intelligent? It doesn't. It makes you sound ignorant. And probably self important. You like Thomas Kinkade, don't you? You think he's an artist. I can't even talk to you any more.