Monday, April 27, 2009

The Newest Impending Doom

I had never heard of Swine Flu before today, and suddenly its everywhere! Or at least news of it is. Sentences like "its not a pandemic...yet," have been firing up my imagination all day long. I went straight to wikipedia (because that's cutting edge, reliable information) and then followed up with my contact at the CDC (read my mom). I have been assured that as of right now I am in little to no danger and there is no logical cause for panic- but when has that ever stopped me before? Who wants to die of something called Swine Flu?

I don't think I have it or anything like that. I don't have Leprosy either, but, man, I had to think about it for a long time. So now I'll probably be thinking about Swine Flu for the forseeable future. I really can't afford to have a pandemic sneak up on me. After all the reading I have done, I am now certain that even if Dustin Hoffman showed up before the end, and even if he caught the carrier mokney, there is no way he would be able to synthesize its anitbodies into a cure in time to save me. Apparently thats unrealistic. That was terribly disappointing, and it means I have to be vigilant. Call me paranoid, or a hypochondriac if you must, but I refused to be ninja-killed by a virus. So let me know if you hear anything, ok? Hearsay is nearly as good as wikipedia for information.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Friday I Was Tortured With A Slide Show of 40 Cliches Set To Nature Photographs and Faux Asian Music

The title pretty much says it all. Except that there was no way to stop it once it started, it was very loud (oh Zamphir), and given who sent it to me, leaving it unopened was not an option. But don't worry, The Best is Yet to Come.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My First Rant...

Does it make anyone else crazy when someone asks "how are you?" and then doesn't wait for a response? Even when they actually pause for you to say something in return, 90% of people don't really want to know how you are. All they expect is a pro forma "fine". That part isn't actually a problem for me, as I probably don't want to tell them the intimate details of my life, but now I can't even tell when I'm supposed to say anything at all! Sometimes "how are you?" is used interchangeably with "hi", and the speaker looks at you like you're a freak if you answer their question.
My usual response is "I'm well- and yourself?" Once they get over the surprise of my having answered they usually say "good." I hadn't really thought about that until one day a customer overheard one of these exchanges and praised me for saying well as opposed to good. The meanings really are distinct, and the customer was correct: the word does not mean what they think it means. Such a common problem these days. That being said, I would love to have somone ask me how I am and respond with "Evil, thanks, and you?"
Why don't we just do away with this whole exchange? I'm not saying you can't ask me how I am if you care about me or my answer. I'm happy to have a real conversation with people who are interested (And preferably interesting). If its just a placeholder in your speech, though, just say "hi", or "good morning". That way you won't inadvertently offend me (why are you asking? If I said anything other than fine, you'd be uncomfortable), you won't have to listen to me give you an honest answer to that question ("I'm filled with self loathing due to my inability to maintain a healthy diet or do anything to halt genocide around the world"), and you won't respond with something inappropriate or inaccurate (like "good")and earn my contempt.
Maybe this is why I get so irritable so often: I start picking apart every conversation before its even begun. Still, some manners wouldn't kill people.

Up Next: cell phones, and why I think they are works of know, the bad kind of evil.

Not much of a beginning, but its something.